Farm Management Responds Favorably to Donkey's Demands: Ongoing Hunger Strike Averted

If I were a newspaper man this would be my headline in today's paper. I am pleased to report that my hunger strike did not go unnoticed and that management took swift and effective action in recognizing the validity to my argument about the feed schedule.  A new schedule was implemented last night and I now officially get two handfuls of grain for each of my meals.  (I know I was asking for three, but I'm willing to compromise here).  The point is that things are now fair between Chip and I and, much more importantly, I now officially rank higher than those goats.

It's going to be a good day... 

Love,

Donkey

Hunger Strike

So if you have been paying attention at all you will remember that I told you about the dry erase board in the barn that tells all of the farm people how much to feed us.  Remember?  It says: Donkey – handful.   And do you remember me telling you about a certain diet pasture? And that my friend Chip has to sometimes go in there with me?  Yeah, he and I have been on stupid diets all winter long. 

Well, I am rather perturbed because I recently noticed that Chip’s portion size has increased.  The board now says he gets ¼ of a scoop for breakfast and dinner instead of 1/8^th.  And I’m smart enough to know that the biggest fraction has the smallest number on the bottom.  I don’t really get that but I know that’s the rule.  So what’s the deal?  Why is Chip getting more? If this means we are moving into the maintenance phase of our diets, why doesn’t the board say:  Donkey – two handfuls?   It must be an oversight.  

Well, let’s just say that I am not happy that no one has noticed this error so this morning I decided to go on a hunger strike to draw attention to this problem.  I did not come into the barn when called for breakfast.  I did not follow the other horses, as I always do. The farm person even came out into the pasture to get me and I said I was not hungry, thank you very much, that I did not intend to eat and that I was not going to come.  There. 

Pay attention people… What else can I possibly do?  How else am I supposed to tell you that there is a grave error on the dry erase board? Will you please hurry up and correct my portion size?  I deserve at least two handfuls…  Actually, I just changed my mind.  I think I deserve three handfuls because of the pain and aggravation all of this has caused.  Yep, three it is….   

So I’m just hoping that they figure it out soon because now I think it’s really, r-e-a-l-l-y not fair if Chip’s food is doubled and I am still getting the same amount as those goats…

It’s hard being short….  And plump…

Love,

Donkey

 

I Don't Think So...

Not too long ago all of the farm people got together to talk about us and all of the things that have to be done around here.  There is a lot to do when you care for animals and they all work pretty hard taking care of us, let me tell you. Sometimes I feel bad that the only thing I can do is keep them company while they work.  I wish I could do more to help.

I think they are planning something.   We have been overhearing conversations that make us pretty sure the farm people are going to have some big shindig.   It sounds like they are going to invite people to come and visit and that they are going to have a lot of fun things for kids to do.  We really like it when people come to meet us, but there is always one downside.  We all have to get cleaned up.  Now don’t get me wrong.  It’s not that I object to meeting everyone.  Hey, I’m the mascot, remember?  That’s my job.  What I object to is the getting cleaned up part.  I just don’t see the point.  I mean, I don’t even remotely see the point.  It seems to me that people coming to visit animals at a farm know we live in a barn.  They know we spend a considerable amount of time in the pasture.  They know that pastures have dirt in them.  Perhaps the visitors appreciate it when the horses are all dapper and shiny but it seems to me that visitors would expect that I’d be dusty.   

For those of you who have never met a donkey before, you might be interested in knowing that we have bristly, course coats and we are rather fond of dirt. I mean taking dust baths is one of our most pleasurable pastimes, really.  So I do not think that I need to be given a bath or brushed for this event, or have my face cleaned or have that shiny stuff put on my hooves.  I plan to opt out of getting clean,  though I will thoroughly enjoy the company that is coming and I hope that everyone comes to see me despite my stance on this.  I do not intend to cause a problem for anyone, it’s just that I don’t think I need sprucing up.

And that’s not all.  Rumor in the pasture has it that the farm people are considering putting bunny ears on the horses when the company comes! They think the kids will like it.  Someone thought it would be “cute”….  Yeah, right.  Well, that sounds downright ridiculous if you ask me.  We are not rabbits and those silly rabbit ears were made for dogs anyway and we are not dogs, in case you haven’t noticed.  They can go ahead and try putting them on the horses, but let me tell you, I already have awesome ears and I simply cannot agree to wear those pretend fuzzy white and pink satin bunny ears that humiliate all animals who are made to wear them, even dogs.  (Ever see those Cadbury commercials at Easter time?  Yeah, take a look on the expressions on those animals’ faces and you tell me how they feel about posing.  I don’t care how much they are getting paid.  They hate it, trust me).  So if anyone tries to put those girly ears on me I will give them major grief, and trust me donkeys are really good at digging in their heels and making a point.  The horses are none too thrilled with it either, let me tell you, but they generally don’t stick to their guns.  I imagine some of them will go along with it just to be good sports.  I, however, just cannot agree to this.  I may be small and adorable and I may love having company, but I have to draw the line somewhere and if satin bunny ears aren’t enough to make you find some sand and a stick, then I don’t know what is….    

So for anyone who is coming to visit, just remember that you are coming to a farm and that farms have dust and that this donkey will not agree to a bath or wearing fake ears for your amusement.  I thank you in advance for your understanding. 

Love,

Donkey     

A Point of Clarification Regarding the Website (and Some Common Sense)

For those of you who actually read the website (and I hope you do, there is a lot to learn), you will notice that under "How To Help" there is a little box in the upper right hand corner that says "Purchase Our Products - Links Coming Soon".  Then it tells you we will be selling Apparel and Stuffed Rescue Horses. 


Please do not be alarmed. We do not, have not, nor will we ever, stuff the horses.  All of the horses on the farm are alive and doing just fine.   What the website means is that we will soon be selling plush, stuffed toy horses that are soft and cuddly and that kids will want to sleep with.  Please rest assured that no horses were harmed, maimed, or killed in the making of the fabric horses.   You have my word on that.  I just wanted to mention it because I didn't want anyone to worry, that's all... 


Love,


Donkey

The Diet Pasture, Something I'd Rather Not Think About

I have had numerous inquiries about my references to the diet pasture.  I have been reluctant to discuss this because I don't want it to appear as though I am complaining. I really and truly meant it last time when I said that this is a great place to live.  To discuss the diet pasture might make it sound like I am unhappy or ungrateful, which I am not. So I will only tell you about the diet pasture if you promise to understand that I adore my farm and my pasture friends and my farm people. I really do.

So here goes. This is actually a little embarrassing.  There are some people on this farm who think that my... um...  my girth is a little too ample.  There. I said it.  Yes, some people think I am a little too big around the middle.  They think I "don't do much" (yes, that's a direct quote) and that I eat too much hay (which I do not), however I am not in charge of certain things around here even though I am a mascot.  So far I have not been able to change popular opinion, but I am working on it, trust me.  What this all boils down to is that I am on a diet and that sometimes I have to go in the diet pasture.

First, the diet part.  In the barn there is a big dry erase board that tells how much everyone gets for breakfast and dinner. It says things like:   

          

     Tess -  3/4 scoop
     Major - 3/4 scoop
     Missy - 1/2 scoop
     Kolbi -  1/2 scoop

When it gets to me it says:   Donkey - handful

Nope, I'm not kidding.  You heard right...  a handful.... A pitiful, cheapskate handful of grain...   Now, I understand that I am quite short compared to the horses and don't need to eat as much as they do, but really...  a handful??!!  Heck, the GOATS get a handful of grain and I am WAY bigger than they are!  (Oh, and by the way, no one ever mentions Peanut Butter's girth.  He's one of the goats and he is busting at the seams, let me tell you, and he really doesn't do anything... And if you will notice, there are only face shots of him on the website. I rest my case.)  I have objected to this for some time, but because I have not been able to convince anyone to change the board for me, everyone has been abiding  by the feed schedule and I get a skimpy handful.  It is quite pathetic if you ask me, and downright unfair because I should at least get more than the goats. So this is the first part of the diet. Now for the second part...

In the regular pasture where the all of the boys hang out we have a gigantic round bale of hay and we stand around and munch all day.  It's great, really.  We eat, hang out, and keep an eye on the place.  Well, sometimes I have to go in the pasture next door, AKA the diet pasture.  This is not like the all-you-can-eat hay buffet where the boys hang out.  Oh no. In this pasture my hay is measured! Think of it as portion control for animals.  It's pretty annoying, really.  Those of you who have ever been on a diet and have only been allowed a slice of turkey, three baby carrots, and water for lunch know exactly what I mean.  Certain farm people (who shall remain nameless) seem to think I need to be on Weight Watchers or The Biggest Loser for Farm Animals or something and sometimes they say I have to be in the diet pasture for the day and that I cannot just stand around and eat for endless hours like everyone else. Sometimes my buddy, Chip, is in there with me.  Yeah, he's on a diet too so at least he feels my pain.  Trust me, it is not my favorite thing. Especially when you get to watch everyone else eating-their-hearts-out right next door. Really, it's like being at a Superbowl party and everyone is eating chicken wings and Doritos and you are stuck with crudites.  Yeah, like baby carrots, celery, and cut up red peppers compare to the good stuff... Give me a break.  We all know that is not true.

So in addition to being a pain and being unfair (because I think I look quite svelte, actually, certainly better than Peanut Butter), it is a bit embarrassing because some think I am too big.  It is something I have to tolerate, though, because I have not yet figured out a way to bust out of the diet pasture or to change the dry erase board.   But I am working on it...

So for right now I dream about the warm spring days ahead when the pastures will be covered with tender green grass and that as soon as that grass starts growing I can graze all day long, in either pasture, so my diet will be obsolete.  Good.  I can't wait for spring...

Love,

Donkey 

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